Scared of What's Coming

Hey, it's been 4 months since my last update. Me being here again shows that it's not a good sign and life has been a hassle again. I'm gonna make this post really really long because I'm going to express everything I feel about this recent events that happened to me. 

First event: Iftar at my house 

It's fasting month. Which also happens to be school holiday. I invited my crush and the rest of my classmates to my house for iftar. I expected few to come yet my classmates did not disappoint. Many people came and brought foods with them to fill our empty stomachs. My crush also came.. I felt attacked for real. So as he was filling his empty plate with variety of foods, my dad came downstairs to greet my friends. All my guy friends salam-ed my dad and my crush started a conversation with my dad! He told my dad that his father knew him and he sent his regard to my dad. Dad asked for his dad's name and he answered. Unfortunately, dad didn't recall having a staff with the same name as his dad so he took a long time trying to recollect his thoughts. At the end of the night, dad asked for my crush's dad's picture and my crush showed it to him. Dad finally able to remember his dad and I was relieved (idek for what reason). I didn't know his dad and mine works in the same company!

Second event: Maths' Paper

So midterm ended 3 weeks ago and teachers are starting to give back our papers. I received my math paper 3 days ago and there was this one question that my teacher marked wrong but my answer was supposed to be correct. But it was understandable because my answer wasn't that clear and visible for the teacher to see it. If you're curious about which question it was, (assuming that you're my schoolmates SMKBTHO2); check form 5's midterm exam's math paper 2017; page 5 no.1 b. I made a dotted line but the grid was too thick, making my dotted line seemed like a straight line. I debated with the teacher (basically begging for her to give me marks) and the teacher decided to ask the twins in my class. One of them is my crush duh. I have a crush on twin A, not twin B. Both of them looked at my paper and I begged them to say yes. Twin B immediately shook his head and said no (ugh mean). Twin A asked for the paper to get a closer look and after looking at it for a while, he said yes. I felt indebted to him. The teacher decided to give me the marks, fortunately.

Third event: Chemistry

I was walking inside the teachers' room to search for my addmath teacher. When I was on my way, I bumped into twin A and a guy friend of mine. The guy friend told me that our chemistry's teacher only had marked 2 papers and the papers belonged to me and twin A! Coincidence? I think not(eheheh jk). That's basically it tbh lol.

Fourth event: Iftar at Cikgu Bro's

Twins and I go to the same tuition centre. Our tuition centre held an event. Twins, me and the girl who admires twins (let's call her T) came to attend the event. I was in a good mood until suddenly I heard T calling twin A to snap a pic together. Twin A agreed (not surprised there) and they took a pic together. He looked really cool that night and I envy her a lot. My friends encouraged me to take a pic with him too but I refused since I didn't wanna look desperate. I was an emotional mess so I decided to go home early. I was sad throughout the night. After I got home, I went to bed and immediately sleep welcomed me. Today, I went to school and met twins again but I still feel depressed about last night so I was bitter throughout the day. I didn't have the mood to talk and eat. I cried at school to vent out all my frustrations. A friend of mine told me that she doesn't think I like twin A. She thinks I LOVE him. Love is a strong word and I don't think I'm ready for love. But no matter how much I try to deny, I also have a feeling that what I'm currently feeling right now is called 'love'. 

Note: I'm actually scared. I don't wanna fall in love again after experiencing heartbreak with my first love in 2013. It made me become severely depressed and I even had to see a specialist. Self-preservation is extremely important! :(

Possible Crush

Hey, so today's 6th of  February and life has been nothing but 'great'. January went by so fast and so many things have happened in a month. After 1 week of school, I started to develop feelings for this one guy. It all seemed crazy to me as I didn't expect to fall for him fast. I w scared of falling for him as he's not your typical guy who you can guess wether he likes you back or not. He's literally the smartest student in school. I was afraid of admitting I like him. I become really really shy whenever he's around me and I get all this tingles. He's so cool and chill like the total opposite of me. It's hard to make the first move because I'm very timid and shy. 2 weeks after that, news about me liking my crush spread like wildfire and has become known to everyone in my class, except him. They were being really obvious about it and I think he already knew. He found out 1 month later though which is today. I assumed he got the information from my good-for-nothing classmates. The way he acted around me is so different compared to the way he acted around me before. I hate seeing him being uncomfortable whenever he's around me. I don't know what to do now. I'll update soon, goodbye! See ya x

-This is a repost-

PT3 Result

Heyyo, so today's 15th of December. Which means yesterday, as of Monday, I got my PT3 result! Honestly, I was expecting to get 1A or so because I thought I didn't do the test very well. Whilst everyone was expecting 6A's and above, I set my target low since I didn't really want to be disappointed by the time I got my result. I remember I was scared sh*tless to check my paper on 19th November because I knew the score won't be pretty. I checked my paper and I got 3A2B1C (excluding lisan and kerja kursus). Getting 3A's was shocking, really. I didn't expect to get any A's at all. Both my B's were 80 above so I was hoping desperately that the grade would fluctuate. With heartbeats thumping wildly, the day for the PT3 result to be announced was finally here. I thought the teacher would just hand in our results at our school's foyer, but it was at the school's assembly point instead. They were going to announce the results on stage. 8A's, 9A's and 10A's students, that is. I was NOT prepared at all. I was a nervous wreck. They started to announce the name of students who got 8A's. Most of my smart friends were being called to the stage. I was shaking because my name wasn't announced. I envied my friends. I was really anxious. And then the list of 8A's students had come to an end. They were going to announce the students who got 9A's so I thought that I was doomed for life and I'd probably get 7A's or below since it's utter nonsense for me to get 9A's. But suddenly, my name was called by the teacher who's in charge of announcing the students' names. I was hyperventilating. I quickly ran up to the stage and hold onto the slip. I ran down the stage and searched for my sister (she accompanied me to school because my parents were busy). She got up to me and we hugged! And she asked wether I wanted to call my mom and tell her the result but I asked her to hold up because I wanted to surprise her. But then, mom suddenly called me. I panicked and suddenly an idea came into mind. I answered her call and pretended to be sad. I could sense mom was panicking. She told me not to worry and there's still time left to improve etc. When we got home, I kept the acting going. I was pretending to be scared of handing her my result. With fake trembling hands, I handed her my slip. When she saw my result, she was so happy. We squealed like ugly hyenas and jumped hysterically. I told the news to my dad and my dad grinned widely. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah. 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL PT3 CANDIDATES

End of 2015

Heyyo, it's currently school holiday so I  was watching Easy A when the thought of blogging suddenly popped into my mind. I'm putting Easy A on pause because blog > movie. Actually, I've completely forgotten about my blog because I was too busy watching anime and movies. Pardon me. So, it's now nearing the end of 2015. Time flies so fast, it scares me sometimes. I still haven't prepared myself yet to become a grown up and do stuff all on my own accord. Having to make decisions will awfully put me on edge. I'm turning 16 next year wow just what on earth- never mind that. This is so surreal. 2016 is going to be a busy year, I guarantee you. Students will be studying their asses off because of the killer subjects - physics, chemistry, biology, additional mathematics, mathematics. I'm one of those students of course. I don't even think I have the time to procrastinate let alone have a love life. Well Love, looks like we're gonna be on hiatus for a while . We'll meet again in two years time, I hope. Wish everything's gonna be perfectly fine with my life next year. Don't want my life to be hectic ever again. Bet I'm going to be a nerd next year (not that it's a bad thing). Alright, enough talking about my studies. Let's talk about my love life *wink wink*. Just kidding! Still too early to share it with you guys. I'll tell you when the time comes. Now let's list down all the fun things that has happened this year, shall we? - I got over depression and have become a total optimist., I got great unexpected result for pt3, I get to meet awesome teachers and cool classmates. I bonded with my family parents and family members. I found true friends. I found out the importance of friendship. I've finally understood the meaning of not wanting to let go. And last but not least, I found a second family that I can never let go of . I want to thank all the people who have been in my life and still haven't left me yet. All the best for next year, work hard to strive for excellence! Till we meet again. Love x 

Song of the Week: Writing's On The Wall by Sam Smith

Update; 2015

Song that I'm currently listening to: See You Again by Against The Current (cover)

Heyyo, after years of not posting anything, I've decided to delete all my old posts because it's really embarrassing to show you people my childish and immature side. So this new post will be like a post from a brand new me. I started blogging when I  was 12. Trust me, it's nothing to be impressed and proud about because all my posts were about my weird fetish (not in the literal sense, mind you). This blog was supposed to be a place for me to express my feelings and thoughts but lately I've been busy with my life because PT3 is just around the corner so I don't have time to update. First thing first, I'm going to recap what's been on my mind lately. For the last few months, I bonded with my family and siblings. We progressed a lot compared to last year. It's really magical how fast things escalated. Maybe because I've grown independent and decided not to burden people anymore so that's why... I feel like nobody really knows the me now. The ME right now is completely different from the ME last year. Yeah of course I progressed a lot these past few months but I still haven't settled the issue about my depression. I literally have no one to talk to, including my best friends. I don't think I even have a best friend to begin with. I've been keeping all of my feelings bottled up inside me. I had a mental breakdown last year at the school's mosque and this year's during english class. I hate crying at school but I just can't help it. I'm emotionally unstable and not having someone to talk to makes it 10 times worse than it should be. Plus, I overthink things that shouldn't be overthink about. I'm planning to tell you about my problems but I don't think now's the right time. I'll tell you, eventually. I think that's all I wanna talk about. I'll write again if I think I need a place to confide in again. Lovely meeting you guys x

Song of the week: Flashlight by (Jessie J) - Pitch Perfect 2